It's Mother's Day Again

It’s a dark, hidden place in the recesses of my heart.  No one has access to, not even the Lord.  Though he may see my wall of brick and mortar, though he may know what lies behind, I do not grant him access, I do not let him in.  It’s a place that I do not understand and cannot release.  It is the burial place where my mother’s memory remains. 

It’s Mother’s Day again.  

This will be the 3rd Mother's Day without my mom.  In some ways, I am saddened by that, in some ways I am relieved, but really I just want to be numb to it.  I don't know how to grieve this loss.  Our relationship was fractured and dysfunctional.  There is hurt so deep, I don't know if I can brave the journey to go back and face it.  It's much easier to just keep moving and try to pretend that this broken relationship doesn't leave me broken-hearted, but there is an ever-present current that runs beneath the surface, is it pain, is it grief?  I don't even know.  All I know is it hurts.
I am not a "push it down" kinda girl, I am the girl that gets all up in the mess so that it can be sorted out and fixed.  This can't be fixed though.  She and I cannot go back and we cannot move forward.  The only forward progression for me is with the Lord.  To be with the Lord is wonderful, but have there ever been places you are just too afraid to go, even with him?  I know what scripture says, the Lord has not given me a spirit of fear.  I believe this to be true, and sometimes the practical application of this is a bit hard.  It may not be "biblically proper" to say this, but the truth of the matter is this; my heart wants to be hardened to the Lord in this because to be hardened to him means to be hardened to my mom's memory.  I cannot be open and exposed to the Lord in this and not be moved by love, and I don't want to love her.  
Scripture tells me that Love Never Fails, what it means though is God's love never fails.  Human love is very different.  A mother's love, which is supposed to be the purest of loves, can fail.  How does one reconcile the broken love of a mother in the love of Christ?
I have come to understand there is a forgiveness issue and who am I to withhold such a gift when I have been forgiven so much?  Again, I admit, I know what scripture says.  We are to forgive 70 x 7 ( Matt 18:22).  There is no opting out on this one, it is a command. Forgiveness brings freedom, I know!  I could list 70 different reasons why forgiveness is absolutely necessary.  Forgiveness is not something that is done by emotion, but by obedience and it does not require the repentance of the other person.  My mind floods with memories, good and bad, how do you sort through them? In my disobedience, I call out to the Lord and ask him to show me the way.  Create in me a clean heart O God!  My plea is honest and true but the fear is overwhelming.  
Then I realize, to confront her sin is to confront my own sin as well.   She hurt me out of her own pain and my reactions were based in fear.  It's just too much.  I am grieved by her sin, but I am even more grieved by my own sin.  The enemy used us both, he played on our insecurities and hurts. He manipulated what was supposed to be good and pure.  He led us down a dark road.  I.... not her,  I let him get the foothold through granting him access through my own sin.  I realize it's not just her forgiveness I am withholding, but my own as well.
All of a sudden, it is no longer just a mother who hurt her child, but a daughter who was in Christ that hurt her mother.  Matthew 5:4 says, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  I don't just mourn the loss of my mother, I also mourn my sin against her.  Praise be to God that he is not like me!  He does not withhold from me any good thing!  He offers me unconditional love and redemption for my sins.  
Maybe there will come a Mother's Day that isn't so difficult, but in the meantime, I think the Lord has begun to poke holes in my brick and mortar walls.  Praise be to God, for he continually pursues us.   Even when we think we are walled up so tightly that no one can breakthrough, the Lord's love and light can seep into the cracks of our defensive layers and do a mighty work!